Weekly Challenge 261: Stupid computer….

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of the Tekken 3000 home robotic unit. This little metalic humanoid can do it all, cook, clean, walk the dog, prepare the taxes, run your business. Tekken 3000 can work indoors, outdoors, Even in outer space! I brought my Tekken 3000 home, and it was wonderful! The first night, my robot, I named him Robbie, did everything listed in the advertisement, and more. Robbie, my new best friend. The next morning, Robbie hooked up to the internet via a USB port to update his Windows Vista software, was promptly infected with a virus, and exploded. Stupid computer.

Weekly Challenge 304: Crack

Bubbles, the high class prostitute, back from Holland and her insane search for the Hollish, is back in her upper east side condo in Manhattan. Relaxing in bed nude, with her statuesque boyfriend John, she grinds up crack cocaine, then snorts it out of the crack of John’s ass. Bubbles states, “I can’t believe there are no Hollish people in Holland, just all of these Dutch.” John responds, “I can’t believe you keep snorting crack cocaine out of my ass after what happened to Whitney Houston.” “Your right, John,” states Bubbles, as she sprinkles the crack into a joint instead.

Weekly Challenge 303: Tunnel

We stared at the railroad tracks at the entrrance of the tunnel. “Hey, the Dude, I dare you to run through the tunnel before the next train comes along,” I stated.. “Your crazy,” the Dude responded. “Come on, the tunnel is only 10 feet long,” I responded, “you’ll be able to beat any train.” Heh, the tracks at the other side of the tunnel were angled at 90 degrees, oncoming trains whipped around that curve faster than one could react. The dude almost made it out of the tunnel before getting smacked by a train. There’s just something about a train that’s magic.

Weekly Challenge 301: “I Don’t Know” (Honestly, I have not a clue :)

I knew I was going to catch a rash of shit because I bought my son a donkey and tried to hide it in the backyard.  Here’s how it went when I walked in the back door. Time to play stupid:

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU BOUGHT A DONKEY AND PUT IT IN THE BACK YARD!!!!!!

Me: I don’t know.

Wife: YOU ACTUALLY NAMED THE DONKEY “MEATLOAF FLYING SPACESHIP!!?”

Me:  Seemed like a good idea…

Now my son and I cross the Arizona desert on a donkey named Meatloaf Flying Spaceship.  Will my wife ever catch us?  I don’t know.

Weekly Challenge 300: Museum

I’d like to call this city commission meeting to order. First on the agenda, the location for our latest museum, the Sarah Palin Museum of Credibility.  I was hoping the city could purchase the empty lots next to the Dolly Parton Museum of Inane Boobery, but it appears another Starbucks is going in there.  I suggested putting the museum next to the Mitt Romney Museum of Consistency, but tonight I heard that the Museum of Effective Legislatures was closing because the staff there discovered there aren’t any.   Unless there is any objection, that is the location I nominate for our new museum.

Weekly Challenge 299: Pick Two

I was running through the woods, trying to get away from a rabid pack of small mammals. I finally reached the nearest road,  so I stopped to look at what‘s behind me. The pack of small mammals were gone, I couldn‘t believe I was able to outrun them. What luck, there is a small diner up the road, so I approach and enter the empty diner. I hear rustling behind the counter, so I look. To my horror, the horde of rabbits, raccoons, and squirrels were eating the remains of the cook.  They stopped and looked at me, their red eyes glowing.

Weekly Challenge 298: Mine

Julio was an unknown soldier in an unknown war started by an unknown enemy for a reason unknown, although if I had to guess, I would say greed.  Julio was creeping across this minefield, when he heard a “click.” The mine went off, blasting his body parts in several directions. Julio awoke, only to find Gremlins making off with his body parts. Julio fought all of them, screaming, “You can’t have those! They are mine!” By the time Julio finished fighting over his body parts, he had bled to death, and the little Gremlins ran off with his body parts anyway.

Weekly Challenge #296: Christmas

The enemies were engaged in battle, Santa Clause on one side, Jesus Crist on the other. It was a heated dual to the death, just like open mixed martial arts, except much more biblical.  The bell rang, the gloves came off, and a head to head battle startd to the death.  At stake, the spiritual or material survival of Christmas.  After this epic battle, one ideal would permanently fall.  Then, without warning, lawyers came running in with Cease and Desist orders obtained from an un-noticed emergency motion filed earlier today.  It appears South Park already covered this story.  Merry Christmas!

Weekly Challenge 294: “Insane Christmas Trees” (I’m taking liberties here)

Recently I was invited to my friend Anthony’s house for a what I and other guests thought was a Christmas party.  When I walked into his living room, I was shocked to see that on a sign that took up most of his Christmas Tree, blazed in bright gold letters, was a sign that said, “I will stop saying the word “Fuck” ad nauseum when the word fuck stops evoking such a hillarious emotional response.”  I quickly turned to Anthony, and curtly stated, “Hey, you do understand how inappropriate such a message is for Christmas?” Anthony responded, “Wait, what? It’s Christmas?”

Weekly Challenge 293: “Cookie.”

Cookie was another high priced prostitute who lived in the shadow of the Nabisco factory, just off of route 208 in Fairlawn, New Jersey.  Cookie was best friends with “Bubbles,” who was now somewhere in Holland with her boyfriend on some insane search for the Hollish.  Cookie liked living up to her name, she ate cookies all the time, during work, during sex, plus during sex while at work.  Cookies favorite morning was Tuesdays, when the Nabisco factory was making Nilla Wafers, so at least once a week, Cookie’s neighborhood no longer smelled like an oil refinery, it smelled like heaven.

Weekly Challenge: 292, my 2 topics, Timmy’s Dead!, A Christmas Wish, and Flea Market (yes, I know that is 3, I can’t help myself, so there_)

Oh my god, you killed Kenny! No, actually I killed Timmy, the lovable South Park character in a wheelchair that least deserved to die.  I was fulfilling a Christmas wish to a boy dying from cancer in Jersey City, New Jersey, his name was Jimmy.  He was an aspiring handicapped comedian, also on South Park before the cancer.  He was supposed to go to Cesar Sinai hospital in NYC, but he didn’t have the health insurance to cover the expense.  Instead, Jimmy was sent to a second rate hospital in Jersey City.  My Christmas wish?  Make health insurance a right.